Holidays are suppose to be fun

It is time for the holidays. This year for Thanksgiving I said I was not going to cook and just order in. However, I did cook the dressing and the mac and cheese. My hubbie fixed the rest and ordered a small turkey. WOW it was great. The idea of not stressing. Just a simple dinner that we all enjoyed with out 2 days of work.

Christmas will not be the same as I am planning a large dinner. But this year because I am on a budget and trying to stay stress free, I am not going to spend countless hours fighting mall traffic. Nor am I spending hours running back to the market for forgotten items.

Everything is planned. Grocery list, Xmas gifts-- I am making a list and checking it twice. There is no reason that I make the holidays stressful. They are suppose to be JOYFUL right!

Moms Night on the Town

It is so important for mom to have a night on the town. One without the husband and the kids. Often we forget our true identities. Everything we do is for our kids and husbands. Especially this time of the year. We spend countless hours in the mall looking for toys, hours in line to take a photo with Santa and let's not forget the supermarket rush for that last ingredient to finish hubbie's favorite dish.

So why not enjoy a night out on the town without hubbbie and kids. You know a night out with people who want to talk about anything other than. Maybe even pretend that you guys are in college and cute guy watch. Or wear a pair of tight jeans and heels like you never had a baby. Anything to remind yourself that you are still YOU!

YOU! Wow how exciting that sounds. To have one night being YOU!!!

I am Mommy

When it is all said and done, I love my children. When I have that one on one time with them and we are not in a rush ..everything seems to make sense. Those days when we just eat McDonalds, keep on our pjs and don't worry about cleaning the house seem to be the best days.

For me to stop and imagine that one days those days won't exist because my children will grow and yes, there time for me will become limited makes me appreciate the runny noses, late night "I had a bad dream and just want mommy" moments. Because they are not forever, they will eventually not need mommy everyday and my cuddles will become unwanted acts of affection. Because my babies won't remain babies. That thought makes me appreciate the choas of today. And regardless of my woes and confusion. I love being a mommy!

Are you guilty?

I have decided that I will stop feeling guilty for being tired. I will stop feeling guilty for sitting quietly alone in order to regain myself. I will stop feeling guilty for asking for help. I will stop feeling guilty for refusing to be superwoman. I will stop feeling guilty for not allowing myself to disappear.

Today is the last day that I feel guilt for being me.

Moms are over the top

As I meet different moms in different places and situations, I wonder how many of them have it together. How many Leave it to Beaver families or Cosby show kids are really out there? Do our children crave the Ralph Lauren pants that we spend hours looking for only for them to go to school to splash purple pant on?!

Do they really care if they are accepted into that elite prep school that 500 5 year olds paid $300 application fees for only 30 to be accepted. Will their life be ruined because they are forced to go to public school among the commoners? :)

Is it our own insecurities or wants that we push upon our children and brain wash ourselves to thinking that they are what's best for children?

Are we caught in this war amongest moms, friends and neighbors for bragging rights that are kids attend the best piano, ballet, middle school, guitar lesson, karate, horse back riding and golf that our city provides? When are kids only want to spend 15 minutes watching Nick.

Are we going over board and over working our selves carpooling, waiting in line and spending countless dollars when all we should do is stop and love our kids and our selves? Are moms over the top? Are you?

Friendship in marriage

HMMM what is a great husband? One who provides financially? One who helps with the kids? One who is loving? or all of the above. Do we have these standards for greatness that we don't live up to for ourselves? I wonder all the time... do I anticipate more from him than he anticipates from me?

I guess it would be easier if there was a book of who does what ..but knowing 2007 women we would rebel that book as sexist and old timey. LOL

I think there has to be a balance of friendship between a husband and wife and then the everyday responsibilities of hubands and wives. Remember when you first were dating and it was all good because you were friends. You had no children no bills you just lived and enjoyed each other. If something came up that made you angry you went separate ways until one of you cooled off.

Do we loose friendship when we say I DO?

Diva

I really am a good mother. I just have diva syndrome. I want what I want now and that it is it in a nut shell. You know how it was before kids. Society makes it worse with all this stuff I mean come on. I have a cell phone with email and all kinds of gadgets. Half the time I dont even know what to do with it.

yet, I enjoy keeping up not with the JONES but with me. You know my own image of perfect. I want people to keep up with me and desire to be me. I know that is so selfish and I need prayer. But it is my thoughts. HMMMM

Well Mommies I must go now. I hope I am not getting boring. Notice I am getting better. My doctors will say my medication is working I say that I am just better because I am me.

Love

VogueMadre

HELP

IF I DONT GET some help in this house. I am going to jump. I love my kids but i NEED HELP. I am not the mommy type. I need help HELP HELP!!!

Not a lot to say today

I am sorry for being so bitchy and depressing. Today I am just kind of at a stand still. But I am still here.

Today vs Yesterday vs Tomorrow

The teaching of "One day at a time or just for the day" is one of the coping skills taught in many types of therapy. Yet I asked the question is it possible to live today without yesterday and does that some how effect tomorrow?

The past is often a deadly demon that hunts most of us like an evil spirit. Regardless of how many times we have forgiven do we or will we ever forget? If we were abused in any form (emotionally or physically) how do we ignore reminders that we bump into today? How do clear our hearts from worry that our demons will not follow or harm our own children?

Is it possible to release completely from the past? If we know we have forgiven everyone from the past do we still some how blame ourselves? Or are do we envy ourselves as mothers and wish we had experienced better in the past? Is that what it is in our children ....we give and love them so much more that we felt we were love we secretly wish we were our own mother? I hope that makes sense.

I know the past haunts me silently and in my sleep. I have got to find a way to make it go away so Today and Tomorrow can win this race. Today I declare war against the past.

Seek Help not drugs

I noticed that a couple of moms have emailed me and voted that they too were depressed. Lord knows I am not the one to seek advice from but I will say seek help. Find emotions anyomous in your state and area. Find a therapist or some kind of group. Call your insurance lots of them have phone therapist who will talk to you 24 hours a day. Talk to a Pastor maybe not yours but one from another church. But dont dwell in it alone it will only get worse.

Me... I as still confused. But all I can do is continue to take it one day at a time. I have children that need me and a husband who loves me and most of regardless of what I feel I love myself.

What would GRANDMA do?

You know we all have grandmothers that give/gave us wisdom. Boy did they carry some loads. You know I have started thinking and soul searching and saying to myself Grandma would say PRAY, GET YOURSELF TOGETHER, STOP TAKING THOSE ANXIETY PILLS and take care of your family.

And you know are Grandmothers were right. They knew the answers more than any doctor or therapist. They knew that if we used prayer or meditation as a way to calm down there was no such thing as a panic attack. They knew if the bills got behind that cutting a little here or there would get them paid.

They knew alot. So when in doubt ask yourself "what would Grandma do?"

Looks can fool anyone

OKAY now the admin at the hospital say I dont LOOK depressed. Neither did Brittany Spears until she shaved her head. How many people really have an imbalance in their lives where they need support? Lots but they never get help because they look picture perfect. I finally take the step to get support and well now I dont look depressed?

Maybe I should have worn my pajamas to sessions or sweat pants? Not comb my hair...stop smiling and isolate myself. Then maybe I will LOOK depressed?

IS their something wrong with looking good? When do therapist and hospital admin make medical decisions on designer purses?

Looking the part is the reason so many of are depressed.

Morning Rush

So Daddy talks all night about how he has to go in late today. But this morning for some reason he thinks he doesnt have to take the kids to school. 1. They love when he takes them 2. Why do I always have to be in a rush (remember I have to be at the out patient by 830am) Why do husbands feel like they are exempt? Why do they never volunteer to help out? Am I superwoman? Yet he never understands why I am depressed. I am tired. Recently my back has been hurting and I am short of breath all because of stress and anxiety. I have to just sit and calm myself. I keep telling my kids my allergies are bad. Only if daddy would volunteer? Would help without me jumping up and down. And on another note, why do men leave their clothes on the floor more than children? Never replace the papertowel or toilet paper roll... I could go on and on.

Resentment

Is it possible to have post partum years later? I mean when you are just tired of your kids. Sometims even resent them? You love them to death but you just turn the tv on and say WATCH! Everyone else thinks you are a perfect mommy with your well dressed kids and you in that one pair of jeans or that famous pair of sweat pants that you normally wear.

Then you get angry at your husband who strolls in ready for dinner. I personally lock myself in my room and still do something like clean the bathtub or the closet.

Have I forgotten how to relax? Some days I feel like driving up to Wal Mart with hubbie and kids saying "I dont have a receipt but will you please take them back."

Mom admits

WOW! Mom is in rehab from 830 am until 3pm. How did it come to this? Am I crazy? How did I become so depressed that I ended up here. I mean well the doctors say I didn't take my medicine right. My husband says it is from my childhood and because I dont exercise. Other moms say it is all in parenting and how we mothers go on and on being a mom without anyone really noticing.



So I am depressed and really don't know why? I sit in my closet sometimes alone just to think. Wonder about decisions I've made. Recently I have spent over $1000 shopping my problems away. From Macys to the $1 store you name it. I look fab but I am not happy. Am I in love with money? Do I want too much?



So here I am in rehab with these people. Some are plain out crazy. Some are poor and without basic needs... housing, clothing, jobs and have no way out. Then there is me... the mom who lives in nice size home, with the fab purse and shiny hair. Yet, when I tell my story these people have cried for me, hugged me and told me that I will be okay.They all tell me how lucky I am to have a husband who supports me emotionally. How brave I am too humble myself to come to a place like this. They also labeled me a shopaholic and now I am an addict too? But for some reasons I have been okay in rehab. With the right sessions and therapists I understand the lesson. Grant I already dont like one of the therapist. But overall mom is in rehab and wanted to admit today that she is Depressed and a Shopaholic!

My question to you reading this are you depressed?